I am not a scandal anymore

I would love to (would I?), but I cannot afford it anymore (really?).

Yes, really. For real, Anna, believe me.

I want to score on everything, give a shit, send a fuck, make an inadequate, go into a break. I want to make a mistake, I want the thread to be torn off, I want rebellion, inadequacy, drama, madness, that’s all. I want to sort things out, swear, demand. I want to be destructive, wrong, loose, free. I want to be awesome, strong, detached. I want to send, let off steam. I want to be crazy, tear and throw. I want to be crazy.

But I cannot afford it, dear.

Everything is going as it should go.

Contrary to common sense

Same scenario for the third time in the last three years. Being interested in someone who doesn’t even exist. Not a person, but a template. A template that talks by scripts. Someone who is missing. This all creates the illusion of depth and width. It’s easy to come up with an illusion where there is emptiness. There are signs and hints around you, you ignore them. Everything is obvious, but it seems to you that it looks so simple on the surface, and inside there are unknown depths to explore and explore and explore. You are wrong.

The template is not able to answer the questions. The simplest tasks make him laugh awkwardly. He sees you as a threat to his system: one more question and the chat-bot will break down. When you push him against the wall and he has nowhere to go, he wants to run, but there is nowhere to run, he is already there.

You see yourself in him. He sees himself in you. Therefore, for you he is a beautiful dragon with shiny scales full of fire and power, and for him you are a flat two-dimensional model in simple slippers. Everyone sees what is available to their minds. We are the living personification of the phrase “Beauty in the eyes of the beholder”.

Why didn’t you answer my letter? you ask. He has no answer. He wasn’t used to being asked direct questions. It’s difficult for him. His system doesn’t work that way. He has only general phrases, suitable answers to general questions. He is able to say that culture spoils people, but he is not able to answer the specific question “which culture and which people”. Generalization phrases that have no meaning are his forte. A nonexistent person.

For the third time for the third year in a row, I confuse the template with a living, deep, multifaceted person. I’m confusing the template with myself. I keep looking in the mirror. I keep looking through this distortion and seeing myself. All these interesting stories, jokes and dialogues that I had with him in my head – this is all my depth, my humor, my world. It never really happened. This has never really happened because it can’t happen with a template. I was talking to myself, I was laughing to myself, I was making love to myself.

I’m disappointed. I thought I’d found the best conversationalist in the whole wide world. He turned out to be the most ordinary in the whole wide world. I am disappointed and at the same time I am happy. Because I’m happy to see things as they are. Without illusions, without delusions, without exaggeration. But I’d rather talk about my happiness next time, because it is easy for me to be happy no matter what and find the bright side in things. And now I want to focus on disappointment. I want to give disappointment its due.

I’m disappointed in you, Mr. Template. I’m disappointed in you that having the potential to be a flying dragon with fire in your chest and shiny wings, you chose to be a flat model who doesn’t even have such cool simple slippers like mine (and you can’t even see that they are magical).

I hug myself.

P.s. L****, thank you for these sleepers. As you wished for me, they led me to adventures. And they will do it again.

Are we living in slow-motion mirror reflections?

Cause you behave the same way I acted with you just a couple seasons ago. I am genuinely amazed by that. Why are you so obsessed with me? I don’t want you, I don’t need you anymore. Why do you care now? Why didn’t you care before?

“Untimeliness is an eternal drama where he and she exist”. It’s sung in a song that I loved in my youth. I remember I sang it to my first bf by the phone and he asked me to stop. “Anna, I love your voice, but the song is too sad”. It all started there. My first love story. Untimeliness. After that I will always bring that pattern in any single relationship I’ll have.

Honestly, I am so tired right now.

Good bye. Forever. Leave me alone, please.

“Maybe we were more than we were?”

Romanticizing relationships.

What was real? Was it really real?

I don’t remember, if I really loved someone. Most of the time I was delusional. Indeed I never had/shared the feeling that “we are not strangers”, “we are not separate”, “we are together, on the same page”.

No.

I didn’t really have had such an experience like we are soulmates or we are in the same team. There was always a huge gap between me and the other person and that was a great place to put all the illusions I had. They didn’t really know me, I didn’t really know them.

There was fusion for sure. Disturbing fusion or great distance. But, no. We’ve never been really close to each other. Fused with each other and rejected by each other at the same time. Dependent and dismissive. There was like a glimpse of love, intimacy. But not intimacy really. Mirrors, reflections, projections.

But, no.

People I knew, people I’ve been close to. We kinda tried. But mostly we tried to protect ourselves from each other. Cause we really attacked one another, we were confronted. And rarely, almost never understood. Never really seen. I don’t remember if I understood anyone. And I don’t remember if I really saw someone.

I was so in my head, with my illusions. No chance to see someone next to me. So so so delusional. Okay, that is really interesting. So interesting to realize it. The topic about codependency is such a discovery for me. I’ve never seen it from that perspective. It is incredible actually. So so so incredible.

Maybe I never understood my own self and that is what it is about? I judged myself, I rejected myself. I really did it. I didn’t let myself be what I am. Such a liberation to finally discover it. Evolve step by step.

What now?

Keep discovering and letting myself react the way I react, be what I am right now.

There’s gold in my heart

I couldn’t help it, and it is good to admit it. I could not do otherwise, so there is no doubt. As much as I wanted to regret it, I couldn’t help it. Only my fantasies push me to regret. In parallel reality, I would be drowning in grief-love.

Gosh, thank you for this sweet freedom to be me, live myself and go my own way. Internal transformations are a multifaceted process. And the withdrawal is part of this process. Only the ego hurts, the fictional me. The real me is full of love and happiness and gratitude.

Thank you for this sun today, it really responds to me. I am at the cemetery by the church – perhaps I’ve found my favorite place, a place of strength. It is among these lumps with names. This place calms me down, it is a wonderful life-affirming spot. Someday I, my body, will be underground, and it is wonderful. Once there will be eternal peace.

These thoughts warm me wonderfully. The birds are chirping and I am full of love. I can’t help it.